It is almost midnight and all that is on on my mind is that someone I loved is no longer alive to cross over to the year 2015. On June 4th, I got a text message informing me that a friend of mine took his own life. I don’t care if you think someone already knows, it is never, EVER in any shape or form right to tell anyone of someones death over text. Honestly, he was an ex boyfriend….but we were the best of friends for years before that, therefore, someone special in my life.
I have had lost family before and yes I have been sad, but this….THIS…knocked the wind out of me. Our whole numerous awesome memories flashed like a one second movie. My heart felt like either someone put their hand through my chest and squeezed it so it could no longer pump or like it stopped altogether. I do not cry in front of my children, but the shock of it all, dropped me to my knees and I had to leave their presence.
Here is our history…we met when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore in High School, he was wearing a cow costume, please do not ask me why, all I remember was that it was funny and out of nowhere we were having a discussion on whether it was boobs or utters, I was wrong, it is utters. It just so happened that his best friend was also my best friend and we then became inseparable. The three Amigos, or the three Schmuckateers! We had so much fun, we went rollerblading, watched movies and just hung out. No drama, no judgement, I could not ask for better friends.
Long story short, we ended up dating later… on and off, but even when we were off, we were still awesome friends. After 5 years, we broke it off for good, I moved and we both dated other people. He got a girlfriend who did not want me in the picture at all and so we said good bye for the sake of his happiness.
A decade later, we find each other on Facebook and catch up. I can feel his distance, which was heartbreaking for me, because I had missed his friendship and I hoped he had also gotten married and that our children would be friends. People say I’m crazy, but in my heart, I believed that it could happen. He was a unique person. So funny and fun! I hoped that we’d talk more about his helping children with wrestling. He was an awesome wrestler and football player.
At some point we both got guitars and I told him a story about my grandfather, but he finished it. It caught me off guard because I do not remember telling him that story, but how could I not remember? The three of us used to sit together for hours and tell our stories to each other all of the time.
I knew there was something he wanted to say, but he withdrew. I did not want to push, I did not want him to just cut me off of his life again, so I backed off.
Then 4 months later, he pulled the trigger…he did it and now he is gone, that is the end of the story. Definitely not the one I so hoped for. There were so many more stories to share.
I never EVER go to Funeral Homes, they freak me the hell out. I do not go to family, friends…nobody. But I needed to know if it was true, I needed to see his family who I love more than words can describe. His parents and siblings who are just loves, I needed to be there for them. I also wanted it to be some sick joke so I could kick him in the nuts for breaking my heart in such a manner. But I went…it was true, it was real, but I had cried so much already, that I had no tears left.
His face looked the same, he was wearing his favorite Slayer T-Shirt, which is way nicer than those awful suits. I stared, hoping I’d catch him breathing, I got close and waited. His chest hair peaking out of the top of his shirt, made me want to yank one out like the good old days, just so he can howl his goofy howl, but I held back and waited some more. Nothing, he was good at holding his breath, I figured. So finally, I did something that I have never in my life would do before or ever again. I took my hand and touched his afraid that he would grab it and give me a heart attack. But what happened next reached my soul..Nothing. He was cold and hard, but I refused to let go…it must have been some duplicated wax statue. When it was time to leave, I realized it wasn’t…he was gone.
I have had, dreams, nightmares…mid day tears…because I hurt for his family, they are somewhere now, reaching new days, holidays without him, sad to crossover to a New Year without his mischievous smile. But the only thing I can do is pray for them and send them my love. But here I am still in disbelief…with my heart still choking, with the bitter taste in my mouth, moving forward, but still thinking, praying that he is now happy hunting, or drinking a bud somewhere. Here I am crossing over without his friendship.
Three Minutes to Midnight