For some reason I have been avoiding writing about personal things on here. I think it might be because I am too emotional about them and when I get emotional, I write like a crazy woman. I am afraid that my words may come out in ways I do not intend to. But should it matter? It is my blog and I should say what I feel, right? Indeed, but I also want to make sense.
I came across a public speaking video today, well my husband did. When I walked in the room and looked at the tv, I see a 17 year old me, tanned from a summer of cheerleading outside, soft skin and 30lbs lighter than I am today. Instead of being delighted at the sight, I started to choke on tears. It was me, my Senior year of High School. It was a tough year for me and even though you cannot see it from my video, it all played out in my head.
The first speech was short and sweet, it was my take on love, so what did I do? I read the lyrics to Mariah Carey’s Butterfly. Because back then, my take on love was that if we set you free and you come back, then you were meant to be. I had my long hair, wearing a football jersey for it was pep rally day! it was a great day.
The next speech I had chin length hair which any time I cut 3 feet of my hair off is because I just went through something that hurt me. In this case I had quite the amount of things happen. I lost 2 friends, one moved away, the other stopped talking to me over a girlfriend who did not want me in his life anymore and my school counselor who listened to everything and was the kind person who wanted to adopt me, retired. I was having trouble with school work and facing the fact that I may never go to college. Also a friend tried to commit suicide. My next speech was about getting help if you are having thoughts about suicide. Listening to myself felt as if I just went right back in time. I could feel the pain, I could feel the hopelessness, I could feel the loneliness. At this time I am holding my breath because I was afraid of what was coming next.
Speech number 3, was no chipper than the last. This one was with dealing with stress. Still holding my breath, all I see is a blur because my eyes are watered. For the first time, my husband is about to hear about some of my struggles from me back then. I started speaking and all I could hear in my voice was discomfort, I start speaking about how I had to help my mother with my siblings so much that I was having a hard time focusing on school work. How I was tired and could no longer be in the cheer squad, how I would not be abled to go to college. I could feel the heartbreak I felt while admitting this in front of my classmates. But in my speech, I also said that no matter what, I knew I had to enjoy life every chance I got. That everything would be okay (It wasn’t okay until 4 years after when I moved away from home, but I made it and that is all that matters.).
My husband would say things like, “aw, babe” and “I’m sorry” while he heard my 5 minute speech that felt like a lifetime while actually doing the speech and even now just watching it. The only way I respond to those comments is by still holding my breath. Holding my breath stops me from sobbing, in case you were wondering why I do that. Regardless, it was very touch to watch. And even though it has been 6 hours since we watched it, I still am choked up. See? I told you I was emotional!
The last Speech was just me reading a children’s story about a puppy named Scamp, I used to read it to my little brother. Still, thank goodness it was not a depressing one because I could not hold my breath any longer. After it was over, the sweet man I married told me how I could go back to school if I wanted to and that he would support me the whole way. Typical sweet supporting man that he is.
Watching this opened a floodgate of sad memories, making my heart feel every little bit of it all. Even though I wish I could turn back time and changed my past to not be so sad, the only way I would do it is if I was guaranteed to land right here where I am right now! I have such a beautiful life now, I would never risk changing any of it at all, not even the leaking roof. I love my husband and my boys so much for they are my dream come true.
I guess the point to this story is that no matter how hopeless you feel. Never give up and keep on living because dreams do come true, but an important thing is that sometimes, you have to make a change because nothing will ever just fall right on your lap.
Until Next Time.
Make peace with you past (I’m working on it)